So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
