i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
