He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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