were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
