hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
