just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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