She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
