remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
