I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
