I like my sex mixed with concussions.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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