Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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