She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
