Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
