My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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