what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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