I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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