i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
