So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
