i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
