i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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