it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
