Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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