I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
