My friends, they love my intelligence
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
