Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
