the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I think my moral compass just broke
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
