dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
