Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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