Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
