i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
