Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
