You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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