The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just forgot I was standing up.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
