I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
