I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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