I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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