My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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