can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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