Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
