I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
