He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
