i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
