just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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