hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
