These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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