Jerry, you need to find god
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
