As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
