well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
My cat gives me a boner
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
