Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
