She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
