never play flip cup with pint glasses
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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