connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
