Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
