We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
